CHAPTER 10

Billy Ray Barnwell here, I really don’t mean to be indelicate but I’m going to tell you a little-known bit of showbiz history in which some people from Not Grapevine, especially one, played a significant part. Once upon a time, many years ago, in a place referred to by many as Tinseltown, diminutive actor Gary Coleman was on his way to the taping of the first episode of a new television sitcom in which he and fellow actor Todd Bridges were going to be playing the adopted children of Conrad Bain, interracial adoption was very cutting edge back in those days, not like today when every Tom, Dick, and Angelina Jolie do it, well anyways Gary was having difficulty remembering what Todd’s character’s name was, and he was concentrating so hard on memorizing his lines that he got off the elevator on the wrong floor and found himself on the set of The McGuire Sisters show. The sisters were arguing over who was supposed to sing which note of a particular chord in “Sincerely,” their featured number, well their arguing went on until Gary couldn’t stand it any longer, he drew himself up to his full height and said “What’choo talkin’ about, Dottie? What’choo talkin’ about, Christine? What’choo talkin’ about, Phyllis?” and left, still trying to remember Todd’s character’s name.

He got back on the elevator to go to another floor and found three guys wearing blue corduroy jackets with big gold emblems on the back that said Future Farmers of America, and here’s where the indelicate part comes in, sorry ladies, they were arguing about when you are artificially inseminating a cow, what did Mr. Barber say was the best way to extract semen from the bull. Gary listened, fascinated, and realized he was tingling in a familiar place, but he said nothing and got off the elevator on another floor. He found himself on the set of the Mary Tyler Moore show, where Mary was doing a scene with her best friend and her landlady, and they were arguing over how the scene should be done, well their arguing went on until Gary couldn’t stand it any longer, he drew himself up to his full height and said “What’choo talkin’ about, Mary? What’choo talkin’ about, Rhoda? What’choo talkin’ about, Phyllis?” and left, still trying to remember Todd’s character’s name.

He got back on the elevator to go to another floor and found the same three guys in blue FFA jackets arguing, sorry again ladies, about when you are castrating sheep, what did Mr. Barber say was the right number of times to wrap the rubber bands around the ram’s testicles. Gary listened, even more fascinated, and realized he was tingling in a place that hadn’t tingled in quite a while, but he still said nothing and got off the elevator on yet another floor. He found himself on the set of the Grand Ole Opry show, where three country singers--a man dressed all in black, a curvaceous blonde, and a guy whose act seemed to consist of stuttering--were rehearsing, and they were arguing over who should sing which songs, well their arguing went on until Gary couldn’t stand it any longer, he drew himself up to his full height and said “What’choo talkin’ about, Johnny Cash? What’choo talkin’ about, Dolly Parton? What’choo talkin’ about, Mel Tillis? and left, desperately trying to remember Todd’s character’s name.

He got back on the elevator to go to still another floor and even though it sounds incredible he found the same three guys arguing, blah blah ladies, about when you are culling chickens out of a flock, how many fingers width did Mr. Barber say meant a hen was not a good layer of eggs. Gary listened until he couldn’t stand it any longer, mainly because he realized he was tingling in a place he didn’t even know he had. As he was drawing himself up to his full height, he noticed that each guy’s FFA jacket had “Not Grapevine Texas” embroidered over one pocket and the guy’s name embroidered over the other pocket, and Gary said “What’choo talkin’ about, Charles McMillen? What’choo talkin’ about, John Galloway? What’choo talkin’ about, Jerry Willis?” well something clicked and the rest is history, Gary Coleman eventually found the right studio and never had any more trouble remembering the name of Todd’s character. I truly apologize ladies, but sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and this is Billy Ray Barnwell signing off.